Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
