I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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