I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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