I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
