My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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