I think my fart just growled at me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
