Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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