Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
