I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
