i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My penis needs a shock collar
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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