chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
