I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We're too hungover to prance.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
