I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
