I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
