Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
