I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
