The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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