You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I love having hate sex.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
