if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
a search helicopter?!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
