I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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