after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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