my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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