Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
