Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
