We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We left an ass print on the piano.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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