If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
