I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize