My hand turned me down
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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