Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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