I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
