She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
