Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
