The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
