so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This is my gift to your gina
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
