Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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