mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
