gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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