i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
