I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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