A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
