Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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