im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
