He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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