I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
