PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
