why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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