you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
