I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
