11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
