I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
