saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
