Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
