So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
