The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I can't turn off my feet"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Randomize
