sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i will never coherently bang her
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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