dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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