I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
