I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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