If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
