There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
