if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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