guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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