My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
