My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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