apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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